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aku menjadi Aku – Ian Hugen
June 14, 2021

aku ingin berlari sejauh mungkin. 

ke sebuah tempat yang jauh dan tenang, 
yang tanpa benci dan tuntutan. 
yang isinya tanpa cacian dan amarah. 

yang bebas,
hangat, 
dan begitu damai. 

aku ingin menari dan berdansa. 
ingin melangkah ke mana kakiku mau beranjak. 
memilih apa yang mau kupilih, 
juga menjadi apa yang kumau jadi. 

tanpa arahan, tanpa bisikan…

“mohon maaf sekadar mengingatkan”
“itu terlalu gemulai untukmu”
“kau salah” dan “kau tanda-tanda akhir zaman” 

aku lelah mengusahakan diri menjadi apa yang orang-orang mau. 

memikul beban, berpura-pura. 
terlihat bahagia namun hanya sandiwara.

bukannya itu kesedihan yang paling agung? 

aku ingin menjadi aku.
aku menjadi aku.
aku menjadi Aku.
Aku. 

sumpah hanya itu. 

hari ini aku pamit dan memilih diriku.
akhirnya. 

karena di sini, di dimensi ini; 
        aku terjebak.

© Ian Hugen



me to be Me

Ian Hugen

English translation by Liswindio Apendicaesar

I want to run away as far as possible.

to a distant peaceful place,
without hate and expectation.
without scorn and anger.

free,
warm,
and so serene.

I want to go to a ball and dance,
to stride where my feet feel like going.
to choose what I want to choose,
and to be what I want to be.

without being dictated to, without being hissed at…

“sorry, just a friendly reminder”
“that’s too girly for you”
“you’re wrong” and “you’re a sign of the end times”

I’m tired of pushing myself to be what everyone else tells me to be.

bearing the burden, pretending.
looking happy though it’s just an act.

isn’t this the mightiest sorrow?

I want me to be me.
me to be me.
me to be Me.
Me.

That’s all, I swear.

today I take my leave and choose myself.
finally.

because here, in this plane of existence,
            I’ve been imprisoned.

© Ian Hugen

English translation by © Liswindio Apendicaesar


Ian Hugen is a content creator, writer, self-love activist and fashion enthusiast. Currently, she works as a copywriter at one of the lifestyle media in Jakarta. In addition, she writes stories that she uploads on the Instagram account @ianhugen. Ian wants her story to inspire the children who are born like her and to assure them that there’s nothing wrong with them and that they are precious.

Liswindio Apendicaesar is an Indonesian writer and translator. He is involved in Pawon Literary Community and is part of the editorial board of Pawon Literary Bulletin. In 2019, he was invited to Bengkulu Writers Festival and South Tangerang Literary Festival. In the same year, he joined InterSastra’s translator team for the Unrepressed series. His pieces have been published or are forthcoming in several literary outlets, both national and international, such as Tempo, The Jakarta Post, Voice & Verse Poetry Hong Kong, Oyez Review, etc. His collection of short stories Malam untuk Ashkii Dighin (Night for Ashkii Dighin) was published in 2017. Recently, his Indonesian translation of Enid Blyton’s children’s poetry collection Child Whispers was published by Bukukatta.

Cindy Saja is a freelance graphic designer and illustrator. Her works are mostly about social issues in Indonesian society. She has been drawing since childhood, and after completing her fine arts degree in 2011 she started working as an illustrator. She has collaborated with writers and artists such as Gouri Mirpuri, Butet Manurung, Erikar Lebang, Rene Suhardono, Rani Pramesti, and many more. Currently, Cindy is freelancing at the book publisher Kompas, and is preparing a personal project.


Poetry-writing mentor: Khairani Barokka

Karya ini merupakan bagian dari CERITRANS: Cerita Transpuan Lintas Batas (2021)

This work is part of CERITRANS: Trans Stories Transcending Borders (2021)

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